Is there a crack in my mind, or is it a Matrix?


Upper Pierce Reservoir Park

Serenity - do you have it?

I think there might be a Matrix.  I’ve sat up nights recently wondering if I’m all there.  I’ve stared at the palm of my hands wondering what I am.  I catch myself covering my ears to news that I just don’t want to hear.  If I don’t, those images of the stories I have heard stay with me and I visually picture the tortured over and over later when its quiet and the brain wont shut off.

Is all of this a process of growing older where you question your existence or being?  I lay quietly in the living room some nights breathing deeply trying to let the thoughts leave my body, to no avail at all.  I day-dream to try to get all the weird things to move aside.  Nope, they keep finding their way back into my head. 

I seriously wonder if others go through this.  Do you really wonder what a human is? Why we are going through what we do every day?  Why are we here?  Are we someone’s game that they are playing?  Are millions of us really sick enough to kill a child?  To hurt a spouse? To rob the poor? 

Do we really need to pay our sports figures millions while there are millions in the United States who aren’t eating two meals a day?  How do I teach my children the value of life, a dollar and most importantly someone else’s life.  Why can’t each one of us give one box of cereal a week to our local pantry every week, so there is no need?

Why am I here, really.  Why do I bother worrying about all the above when most of the things that are disturbing, I have no control over?  Is someone watching me to see how I respond to things?  I woke up last night at 3:00 am in a sweat because I dreamt that my son, who just got accepted to Summer College to his dream school did so well that I was looking ten years later and he was a doctor.  Bear with me here.  He was in the ER and he was treating a child who was beaten by his father.  He was doing everything he could, but just could not save the child.

My son sat there and began to ask himself the very same questions that I have asked myself today.  It was the most surreal moment in my conscience that woke me up to full alert in seconds.  How many of us wonder the same things and are the movies like “The Box” and “The Matrix” glimpses of what we really are?  Should we even care at all. 

Empathy is to me, lacking in so many ways lately.  So many teenagers don’t have any.  Respect has long since disappeared with many teens toward their selves and their elders.  How can we and should we try to get back to the days where our teens mowed lawns and helped their parents with dinner and dishes and wanted to learn about being kind to others. 

Just yesterday my youngest came home and told me that there are many children who are treating a classmate terribly.  This classmate in turn, gets physical and creates an even more violent scenario.  With all the bullying going on and anti-bullying campaigns she hears of, Darien is trying her best to educate her friends.  It’s not working.  Yesterday even she got kicked three times by this frustrated and bullied girl and even Darien was at her wit’s end.  She is seven.

What happened to Leave it to Beaver land.  Why is there so many selfish people out there and actually cruel people.  The age of cruelty is getting younger and younger too.  How can we change the pattern?  Like the Box, if enough of us say “no”, the pattern will change.  I propose this to anyone who reads this:

*Say no any time someone wants to pick on someone

*Say no to purchasing that baseball ticket this year

*Say YES to giving one thing per week to your local food pantry

*Say yes to being a friend to someone who is different

*Think about how it “could” be if everyone did the above

Tonight will be a tough night again as there has been another earthquake, more devastation around the world and two more child killings that I just can’t get over.  I’m going to try to just go out with my children and teach them about giving to your neighbor, while having some fun.  I type all of this while wondering just how my fingers do what they do on this keyboard. 

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About wigsbabe

Never be the Mediator... be the writer.
This entry was posted in Abuse, Family, Movies, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Is there a crack in my mind, or is it a Matrix?

  1. Pingback: Photographs From My Mind | wigsbabe

  2. Pingback: $50 for $100 Worth of Clothing and Sporting Goods at Darien Sport Shop in Darien - Daily Couponds

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