Its January again and that same feeling comes through my mind. Write. To be honest, I have been. A new style called journaling. I’ve penned two stories and thousands of thoughts, however private this past year. There came a time last January where I met my greatest fear and because of it, I jot down everything.
Have you ever felt that you are a sinking ship in the middle of an ocean in time where there are no shores, paddles, water or food, yet you seem to survive only to feel invisible walls creeping in. I felt that way. At least I think I did. I really don’t remember now. I would have to look in that journal. That journal. I carry it everywhere now for purpose and faith in my notes that I will certainly need in the future. Why you are wondering?
The Tuesday before Thanksgiving of 2013, I fell. I had a seizure. Or was it the reverse? I was exhausted and all I really remember from that night is a very sore head. I had a brain bleed from the fall. Or was it from the seizures? EEG’s were arranged and many visits to CT, MRI and my newest doctors who saved me. The walls were heavy to keep apart, like a surreal dream in Divergent or a time warp inside of my squash telling me to run, but I couldn’t.
By January, 2014 I was in complete liver failure, had iron poisoning and was in the middle of troubleshooting all of my genetic health history. It was then that the walls were crushing me. I was an epileptic. Adult onset full blown out of this world brain malfunction girl. There went my car, my independence and my sanity. As a frequent flyer on the Topamax train for years for migraines, my seizures were kept at bay. Like an ever filling bucket, the water that clouded my mind overflowed and I was no longer able to stop my seizures from coming. Topamax and Mercaptapurine (6mp) were killing my liver after the increase to stop the seizures.
On to Keppra and Nortryptoline, off of hormonal therapy to stop bleeding. No more aspirin, late nights, driving or missing any doses of anything. Well, lets just say its just not that easy. I hit a wall, a block. My crossroad in life. Take care of me? What? Hard to imagine that over the past two years I had lost 50 plus pounds and felt healthier than ever. Ran two 5k’s and working out daily to get to be a “Spartan”. The one thing I couldn’t manage was compliance. In a neuropathic dictionary, it means doing what you are supposed to do every day without fail, excuse or change. I had a hard time doing that. A missed dose of meds here, lack of sleep there and shhhhhh…..I drove when I had to. I also had seizures.
I couldn’t concentrate, work long hours and I could sleep all day. Ten pounds heavier now in 2015, I have decided to do the work. To be compliant. Here is a list of dos:
*Get this ten pounds back off
*Take my medications with me everywhere
*Get my sleep
*Drive again (six months with no seizures will be July)
I have finally let people into my life as dearest, deepest friends. People that I can trust, have fun with and enjoy life with. That’s probably why I am once again sharing a very personal story in my blog. Why I agreed to a billion dollar outdoor fireplace budget and studied the fine art of mixing Fireball with anything I can find. Just today, I found a new recipe. These friends have now seen me at my worst, even worse than my worst and still love me.
Here is the real crossroad. To admit that I cant be who I was. To grow older. To learn how to adjust and just be happy. To know that most concerts are out of bounds and I can never ride another roller coaster. I have to have a solid ten hours and I am limited. That’s the hardest part of all of this. I’ve spent my entire adult life telling my oldest daughter that she can do anything. Well, I was giving her dreams and aspirations that I now wonder was even good advice. (lets be honest here, she can do anything)
All I want to do is have some fun, relax and feel good. I will let you know how that goes. 2015 will be full of adventures, I’m quite sure. I’ve signed up for a mudderella and challenged myself to read 20 books, 2 of which are done already.
What’s so strange about my crossroads is that its not the only one going on around here. Parents have been lost, children are getting older and people my age are dying. Hitting their walls head-on, so-to-speak. How do you take care of “you” when there are so many others that need someone? How can you be there for family and friends when you cant get out of bed that day? How do you look into the eyes of your children and just not cry when you wake up and realize they have seen you seize and THEY are helpless too.
One open eyelid at a time. One train ticket instead of a drive to see your cousin. One time that you actually remember a friends birthday and that one time (or two or three) when you let loose with the rest of the crazy train and do the “sandwich” . Forget about dog hair, dishes and dents in your head from doing what our family now calls “the fish” and just be happy.
In the wisest words of my half-normal brain: Do some yoga, ride a bike, work your ass off when you can and the rest will just be that unwanted vegetable on your plate of childhood.