Insomnia is a nice way to say, you just cant sleep at all. Not ever. I’ve been suffering for years with the lack of sleep and tonight is no different than most other than I did fall asleep rather fast in the beginning, which is sometimes the bane of my existence. Tonight, my brain just decided to wake up at 3 am or so and not let me go back to sleep. It seems that it doesn’t like to just rest. Instead it thinks, worries and daydreams like a well oiled and self centered calculator. Here is some of what my brain was thinking about last night:
The Shining. I had just finished reading the book a mere six hours ago. Jealousy of the writing skill that had me turning page by page to get to the end. Coffee. Decaf coffee. I’ve been avoiding all caffeine in the past almost three years and now I worry that when I order it at a restaurant, they serve me leaded because they are out or they are too lazy to get me the unleaded pot. Bastards. I really should head downstairs to grab a cup. Hell, I’m up already. No, no. The whole idea is to try to fall back asleep because tomorrow is a very busy day. Getting up will just mean my brain will have free will and I will start laundry or turn on The Hallmark Channel. (another story for another time) I will need to be focused tomorrow at work. Three days until several deadlines loom and preparations are a must.
Lets try starting a dream. Its hard to do that with a dog in-between your legs and a CPAP machine chugging away just a few feet from you (the hubbys). Wait. There is a mattress on the floor by the fireplace from the snow storm the night before. Snow storm. Hahahahha. Sorry. I just had a little chuckle. The fire needs stoking anyway and a few logs, so ok, lets get up. My brain giggles back at me in the quiet darkness.
After addressing the heat issue, I suddenly had a craving to cough. A dry throat. The worst kind of cough in the middle of the night. I don’t want to wake my husband because he will worry that I’m not sleeping, insist that since we are both “up” lets have a few intimate moments. In my house that means he will fall deeper into sleep after and I will lay there watching his breathing, slowly cursing sex and all that surrounds my husband’s very accommodating brain. So, I get up gently and head to the bathroom to have a drink of water. While I’m in there, I decide its a good time to expel the trays of all of the unused and expired medicines that seem to multiply like rabbits in the closet. I should mount a close circuit camera in there. I’ve always been a firm believer that expired drugs don’t work as well. I found some Dulcolax. Take two. Expired May, 2012. Grab the rest of the glass of water and head back to the mattress. I giggle again thinking of the movie, You’ve Got Mail and Tom Hanks and Greg Kinnear’s reference to “go to the mattresses” . Now you need to see that movie again, don’t you. I would watch The Godfather first, so you actually get the reference. Then, Meg Ryan’s dismay will be even cuter.
So now its oh, 4 am. My brain is thinking about my weight, the super bowl party that we are having this weekend and our upcoming trip to the land of the mouse, Mickey World. Insert the comedy shot of Wally World here. I stop my brain’s change of topic, adjust my seatbelt only to realize that I cant ride most of the rides now at the parks and think deeply about what else I can do. Maybe I can find hidden Mickeys. I sit up, look at the cabinet across the room and there it is. The Hidden Mickey book. My new Disney friend. Grab the phone. There is a Hidden Mickey app. I’m golden. My brain suddenly laughs so hard I can hear it and I push out a shhhhh from my dry lips. Where is my lip balm? Am I addicted to balm? Wax? Bees are great producers of my addiction.
I picture myself in the Overlook Hotel, 1970 and the clock strikes midnight and the party really begins. Back on the snow-bed I go. Let me text my cousin in DC and let her know I’m thinking of her right that minute. I know it wont do much good, but maybe she will know tomorrow morning that I love her. If her phones goes off and she reads my text now, we could chat or she could call me. No response. My brain kicks into overdrive and realizes that my cousins food list isn’t quite finished yet, so I open Amazon. Its all downhill from there. Amazon Prime Pantry is going, notifications are hitting my screen and I had a random thought that I hadn’t played Trivia Crack in almost two days. Open App. Play seven games and start three new ones. I have no lives left and nobody is playing to hit me back. Why aren’t people up now to play with me for Christ’s sake?
I look at the clock. 448 am. Purchase some random headbands that I don’t need, but are cute and lay my head back onto the mattress. Not a peep from my husband nor the two dogs who have now decided the mattress was the place to be. They are too cute to move. I have no blanket but refuse to get up again and just squeeze myself between the four legged children and think. Think. Think. I think about the ability to stop thinking. I grab my journal and write down the next book I need to purchase and without a second thought, grab my phone and, hit that wonderful icon “Amazon” and place the order for :
Doctor Sleep by Stephen King. How ironic I think out loud. My brain just smiles a wicked toothy smile.
By the way, this is not a self help book but the sequel to The Shining which I have to read soon. Could Danny really be a 25 year old version of Jack? Check the clock. 521 am. I hear footsteps and a door not so quietly shut. What the heck is Darien doing up? Click. Door shut. Feet padding across the soft carpet back to her room. I wonder if she just checked her messages? I’ve got to sleep. I text a note to my husband not to wake me tomorrow that I couldn’t sleep and finally lay my head down onto the pillow. Exactly one hour later, I feel an arm around me, pushing her way into my snow-bed and grab my hand. Its 615 am and my daily ritual of a ten minute snuggle has started. I’m exhausted, cold and very happy at the moment.
When Darien gets up and kisses me , I ask her to tell daddy to cover me up after he gets out of bed, add wood to the fire and keep it quiet. She whispers ok and back to sleep I head.
Its funny that its now 12 pm the next day. I’m at the office working and trying desperately to focus and think. My brain laughs loudly and thanks me for all of the brain food I gave it last night. It is full and satiated and will now take a nap.
You just have to be kidding. FYI: the Dulcolax worked just fine.